Ask the DM

Tony DiGerolamo is the writer/creator of three comic book series:The Travelers, Jersey Devil and The Fix.
He was the regular writer for the Everknights, comic book and a writer for The Simpsons and Bart Simpson comic books.
He has had two novels, three movies and a series of role-playing game manuals produced,
including Complete Mafia for d20.
He is also a semi-professional Dungeon Master.
He will give you advice.

Exhausted in Essington Dear DM, I've got three girlfriends. I know that sounds bad, but I really love them. None of the girls knows about the others. At least one of my girlfriends is getting serious about our relationship. I don't want to lie to her, but I know if I tell her about my two other girlfriends she'll dump me. I love her, but I feel that I should give the other girls a chance as well. What should I do? Dear Exhausted: Much like the girls in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, you have to do a lot of driving to keep up appearances. Unlike GTA: SA, your girls are not going to stand idly by while you're in another corner of the map. Be a man and tell her the truth if you love her. If you don't, well, don't cry if one morning you find a cap in your ass. Frills in Philly O' Wise DM. My girlfriend just moved in with me and she's taken over my condo. Where once stood manly pictures of cars and bikini girls, now feature pictures of flowers and ocean landscapes. My Batman statue has been replaced with a stuffed unicorn and my once white, sterile bathroom is a pink fuzzy nightmare. How do I get my place back? Dear Frills: Well, the quickest way, of course, is to dump her sorry girlie-designing ass. But if you don't want to take such drastic measure, you should probably take a lesson from good dungeon design. Most dungeons are pretty predictable. I mean, how many times can you stomach a secret passage that opens by a torch sconce or skeletons chained to the wall or a room with two pools of water and a Magic Mouth that says, "Choose your drink. One brings death, the other life!" But as we all know, subtly is a DM's best tool. You need to slowly subvert your girlfriend's takeover. That off-white potpourri bowl? Replace it with a ceramic skull with the top cut off. It's the right color and roughly the same shape. With any luck, she won't notice it for a few days. When she does, just act innocent and say, "Isn't it great? I knew you'd love it! You really got me thinking about decorating!" Much like peppering your dungeons with Gelatinous Cubes, Doppelgangers, Mimics and Invisible Stalkers, make sure you additions will blend in with the background. Did she forget the centerpiece on your sky blue kitchen table? Well, it's welcome back Batman! What? You found a blank wall that's the color of sandpaper? That finely tanned Sports Illustrated model would go nicely! I'll leave you to figure out something to do with the pink bathroom.		Pursued in Pottstown, Dearest DM, I've been dating this girl for about two years. We moved in together a year ago and we just broke up. It took me forever to get her to remove her belongings, but she finally did. Unfortunately, now she keeps showing up unannounced. She wants to get back together, but I'm trying to stand my ground. How do I get her to leave me alone? Dear Pursued: Much like the Punisher, you must never waver. Frank Castle doesn't let criminals go "once in a while", they either help him, surrender or die. You're "trying" to stand your ground. No. Stand it! Don't give in. Tell her to get out if that's what you want. Obviously, this tact has a chance of working with you because she's trying it. And, much like the devious Kingpin, she will try anything to get you to take her back. Unlike the Punisher, you don't need an arsenal of weapons to accomplish your task, just resolve and maybe his grim visage across your face when you say, "No." Hooked up in Havertown Great and Powerful DM, I met this girl at a CCG tournament and we hooked up almost immediately. As you say, Gamer Girls are worth their weight in gold! But although it's awesome to have someone share my hobby and other things in my life, she gets moody sometimes. During gaming cons, we seem to get along great, but at home we can't agree on the same music, movies--- For months we were inseparable, but now I feel we're drifting apart. What should I do? Dear Hooked: A CCG girl? Hot! But still, you just can't love everything about your girlfriend, just like I had to face the fact I cannot love everything about the Simpsons. The Simpsons Hit and Run video game is pretty awesome, but all others pretty not-so-awesome. The Simpsons arcade game was cheap and a lot of fun, the Simpsons trading card game, not so much. I was a fan of the Simpsons comics before I started writing for them (see the recent Bart Simpson #21 and #22), but the Simpsons Lady Remington* made my lips bleed. Eventually, I just learned to accept the Simpsons for what they are and try to balance the good with the bad. Maybe all you and your girlfriend can do is be a "gaming con couple", parting outside those fun-filled weekends. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to watch Seasons 5, 7, 8, 10, 12 and that really cool one from 13**. *not an actual Simpsons product but more of a reference. **actually, I just wrote that for the joke, I really do love all the episodes.

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